A day I will never forget. I will begin with a rewind of a week prior to this date, I went into my standard weekly appointment with Dr. Jhawer, as we were going through with our next steps, she asked me the procedural questions, if I had any questions or concerns. I mentioned to her that lately I was unable to run and when I walked for a while it pained me which caused me to limp on my right leg. She addressed my concerns did a few physical tests on me, then wrote me to get an emergency C-T scan. A week later of completing my scan, we go in to see her perusal to get my results, I will never forget that day because I woke up happy, the whole morning me and Sam have been so silly, laughing at everything as we waited to go in for my appointment. As soon as we walked in, there was an airy feel about Dr. Jhawer, not like the times before we had met with her and quickly our mood switched over. She had a worried face, a face I did not like so she cuts right through it and tells us that my cancer has now been labeled as metastatic cancer, it has now spread to my pelvic bone... when we heard what she said, the feeling when I was first told my diagnosis back in December has now come back, I had been punched in my stomach once more, I couldn't even look at Sam because I had to keep my strong composure what she had just gone through hearing that was hard enough on her as is. I couldn't let her see my hurt. From the side of my eye I can see tears flowing down her face and that broke my heart into pieces. We were both confused, after my head stopped spinning I manged to utter the words, why? how? when? she went on explaining to us the medical terms of why it happened and how, I still was left confused I just couldn't grasp the idea of it all, yet here I was once more hopeless, I went from a high of hopes to crashed dreams. I was scared, terrified, if it has spread to my bone where else has it gone? will I be okay is what kept running through my mind, I didn't know what to think anymore, I feel like I was suffocating and I needed to let it out somehow.
Dr. Jhawer went on telling us that we needed to start chemo ASAP therefore she scheduled me to begin the following week. It was time for us to leave, before I left she requested I to get some blood work done, Sam left me to go out to get some fresh air, as I went into the lab to get my blood drawn, I could feel like I can no longer hold it in, my tears start to stream down my face, a force I knew I couldn't stop so I just let it all come out. When I went back to meet with Sam, I washed my face and got my composure back together. I tried to let out a smile to ensure her and myself that everything will be okay, the whole ride home what a shift in moods we had, not a word was spoken, it was as though we had just come back from a bus hitting into us. I didn't know how to break the news once more to the ones I love dearest and most. It took me a while, but they are still standing strong besides me.
You see life is unexpected, we never know what it will throw at us and we are never prepared for its hits, but I do know that one must ride it out, accept it as it is and let it be there's not much you can do at this point.
Love those who love you the most.
